


Make It Through To Tomorrow

by ChocolateCapCookie



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Anxiety, But also, Cute, Depressed Steve Rogers, Depression, Don't Like Don't Read, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy, Internal Monologue, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, POV Steve Rogers, Partial Recovery, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve makes his own angst tbh, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Teacher Steve Rogers, The Avengers Are Good Bros, Therapy, This is seriously steve centric, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark is Tony Stark, Tony Stark is not a therapist, Tony is basically just a good boyfriend, and, and probably a lot more tbh, but just in case, except they're not Avengers here, its rlly brief tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-09-19 03:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20324623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocolateCapCookie/pseuds/ChocolateCapCookie
Summary: Did he really want to die? He’d always thought about it, in the way you’d think “Hey, I need to fix the wallpaper here,” as something he’d maybe want to do, but never seriously considered actually doing to himself.Steve Rogers is going through life mechanically, trying to make it through to the next day, even when he doesn’t want to. When he meets Tony Stark, he thinks he’s finally found a reason to do just that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS! IF YOU DIDN'T READ THE TAGS OR THE SUMMARY OR THE TITLE, THIS FIC IS ALMOST ENTIRELY ABOUT STEVE'S MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS, SO PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF THAT STUFF AFFECTS YOU. PLEASE PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
> 
> To anyone who suffers from mental illnesses, know that you're strong, stronger than most of us are just for making it through each day. Please try to get help, but I understand that this isn't possible for everyone, so if nothing else, take care of yourself.
> 
> I tried to make Steve's thoughts and actions as realistic and true to most people's experience as possible. That being said, this is based entirely on my mind and struggles, and everyone has different problems, so if you think anything about him is inaccurate, or offensive, or just plain wrong, please let me know.
> 
> Title is from Sad Forever by Lauv. Imagine that Steve's life is a playlist with just that song on it lol.
> 
> I hope you guys like it!

_ What’s the point? _

Steve had been lying down in the fetal position on his bed for the past hour or so, the same thoughts going around and around his head.

_ I’ve never done anything useful. _

He stretched out and turned to face the other side, hoping another view would give him something else to think about.

_ Nobody likes me. _

He thought about all his friends; Sam and Bucky and Clint and Natasha, who’d be worried if they saw him in this position right now.

_ I annoy everyone I meet. _

Or maybe they wouldn’t, but someone would miss him right? His co-workers maybe?

_ I don’t do anything right. I’m worthless. _

Steve jumped out of bed, pulled on the first pair of jeans he saw, and stalked out, slamming the door behind him. Maybe some fresh air would make him feel better.

_ I don’t deserve to live. _

Steve spent half an hour just walking around the streets of Brooklyn. He tried to do it as mindlessly as he could, keeping his head empty. He stopped to pet every dog he saw, and even helped an old lady cross the street, but he still couldn’t turn his brain off. Every thought he was trying to avoid, every little annoyance, kept flooding his head to the point that he walked around the same block four times before noticing and turning to cross the street.

He pressed the button to cross, and leaned against a nearby pole, shaking. He couldn’t do this anymore. He didn’t  _ want  _ to do this anymore. He wanted to get rid of his head, chop it off so he didn’t have to think about anything else, didn’t have to  _ feel  _ anything. He closed his eyes and rubbed his face wearily, trying to keep himself together until he got home.

Steve walked forward mindlessly, at a slower pace than usual; his head was so heavy it felt like it was weighing down every other part of his body as well. He was so consumed by his own thoughts that he barely heard a loud horn to his right. When the noise finally pulled him out of his thoughts, Steve involuntarily froze, an hour’s worth of thoughts going through his head in that one split second.

_ Move, you idiot, MOVE! _

_ I want to move but…it’s too much work. _

_ You’ll die if you don’t! _

_ Would that be such a bad thing? _

_ Yes, it would, you’d be fucking dead! _

_ I wouldn’t really mind being dead… _

_ Suicide is a really cowardly way to die, Steve! _

_ This isn’t technically suicide… _

_ The poor driver’s gonna get charged with manslaughter! Do you want to fuck up someone else’s life as much as you’ve fucked up yours? _

_ No court would find him guilty, he’s following all the rules, I’m just not listening to them. _

_ What if you don’t die and just end up a vegetable? Live in great pain for the rest of your horrible life? _

_ Maybe then people might actually give a shit about me. _

Apparently his head had no comeback to that one. Steve still stood there, frozen, but somehow knowing he wasn’t going to move. He closed his eyes,  _ c’mon, just a few more seconds, it’ll all be over soon, it’ll be done, I’ll be gone… _

He didn’t get the chance to think anything else before he felt a strangling pain at his throat and he was dragged backwards, almost flying through the air. He felt a quick rush of hot air pass in front of him, almost tantalizingly close, before landing roughly on his ass and almost breaking his tailbone.

He remained frozen in the same position for a few seconds, unsure as to what had just happened. His throat  _ hurt,  _ and he brought his hand up to rub at his neck, still shaking and confused.

“Hey, are you okay?”

He heard a soft voice beside his head, but couldn’t figure out how to turn his head to look at the source. He tried to open his mouth and say something, but nothing came out.

“I’m sorry if I hurt your neck, but I couldn’t pull you back any other way, ya know?”

Steve’s still confused, but he managed to piece a few things together. He was in front of a moving vehicle…he’d frozen and couldn’t move…someone pulled him back in the nick of time.  _ You didn’t want to move,  _ a tiny voice in his head reminded him, but he pushed that thought away. He’d deal with that later.

“Hey, for real, are you okay?” the voice asked, a definite note of worry to it. Steve nodded his head once, but he didn’t have the mental or physical energy to do more. He was still staring unblinkingly at the spot he was standing at just a few seconds ago…where he’d be lying,  _ dead,  _ if he hadn’t been pulled back.

_ Why the fuck am I still alive?  _ The thought flew through his head for the briefest moment, and so quickly, that Steve could almost pretend he hadn’t considered anything of the sort. He knew better though, and it was definitely there. Steve pushed the thought away for now. Not the time.

He felt a pair of arms wrap gently around him and pull him up. He still had no idea what was going on around him, but he could feel the arm settle around his shoulders and help him walk forward, setting him down on a chair after a few seconds.

Steve took a few deep breaths, and pushed himself outside of his head, taking in his surroundings for the first time. He was seated outside a tiny café, his t-shirt wrinkled and slightly loose around his neck. He was still shaking, but took a deep breath and looked uncertainly up at the man sitting in front of him, who was looking back nervously, like Steve was some fragile China doll he’d picked up.

The man looked to be about Steve’s height, but thicker and healthier.  _ No shit Steve, everyone’s healthier than you.  _ He had a small beard, and olive skin that made him look almost foreign. Steve forced himself to look the man in the eye.

“Everything okay now?” the man asked him softly, as if he somehow knew that any loud noises would trigger him further. Steve nodded, but didn’t say anything. He set his hands on the table and tried to stop them from shaking so hard. What the hell, nothing had even happened to him, why was he shivering like he was in the fucking North Pole?

“I’m really sorry if I hurt you. You just, like,  _ froze,  _ so I had to before you got run over. But you’re okay now, okay?” the man said, still softly, and reached his hand forward to cup Steve’s, clearly trying to get him to calm down. Steve resisted the urge to pull his hand away, knowing the man was only trying to help. Besides, this was the first time anyone had touched him in a long time, and he would take anything he could get at this point.

He swallowed, and tried to remember how to speak. “I, um…thank you. Thank you for that,” he said. His voice was rough, his throat was dry, but he was proud that he’d managed to string that many words together. He swallowed again, trying to get a grip.

“Hey, it’s no big deal. Are you okay, though? You’re still pretty shaken up; do you need some water or something?” Before Steve could refuse, the man spoke again, continuing on in an unbroken flow. “Never mind, that’s a stupid question, of course you need water, stay here, I’ll be back in a minute.”

With that, he pulled away from Steve’s hands and walked into the shop behind Steve. He simply sat there, trying not to think or move or do anything that required any energy, and by the time the man returned Steve had at least semi-calmed down, and he’d also managed to control the uncontrollable shaking. He stayed completely still, feeling like he’d fall apart if he so much as moved a muscle.

The man seemed to realize this, because he seated himself next to Steve and slowly fed him small mouthfuls of water. Embarrassed as he was, Steve swallowed it down greedily, because the water felt  _ so damn good _ on his dry throat and – he’d just realized this – empty stomach. The man set the plastic bottle down softly –  _ why is everything he does so soft,  _ Steve wondered distractedly – and looked Steve directly in the eye.

“You okay now?” he asked, like he actually cared.  _ He doesn’t, _ Steve reminded himself.  _ He just saved your life and now he wants to make sure his effort isn’t wasted. He doesn’t actually care. _

“I’m good,” Steve said roughly, finally able to speak again. Never let it be said his ma didn’t raise a polite boy. “I…I’m really sorry about all that. I dunno what happened to me, and um. Thank you. For everything. Even this,” he motioned towards the almost-empty water bottle.

The man smiled, a real warm grin that made him look like an actual ray of sunshine. “You can talk!” he said, happily. “I genuinely wondered if you had like, a speech impediment, or really bad social anxiety, or something.” He paused for a second, and then continued to chatter on. “Is that offensive? I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant since you didn’t really speak or anything, I didn’t know if you were still, like frozen, or if you had an actual problem. I didn’t mean that in an offensive way, I promise.”

Steve smiled what felt like his first real smile in days. “No, that’s cool, you don’t have to apologize,” he said slowly, unable to tear his eyes away from the bubbly man in front of him. “Thank you. For everything.”

The man chuckled. “You can stop thanking me, it’s not a big deal,” he said, all casually like he saved people’s lives every day, like this was a normal thing for him. Maybe it was. Steve wouldn’t know, he didn’t spend his days being nice and happy and helping people; he spent his days being a useless, depressed waste of space.

“It is a really big deal, but um, yeah. I’ll shut up now,” he mumbled, suddenly wanting to get away.  _ Fuck,  _ he suddenly realized,  _ I just ruined this guy’s day. Maybe he was late for a date or something, and now he’s not going to meet the love of his life or get married or have kids, and it’ll be all my fault. _

He stood up abruptly, ready to leave, but immediately fell back down. His legs felt like jelly, and even that small action had him shaking so hard, he was practically seeing double.

“Hey, hey, what happened, everything okay?” the man asked, sounding a lot more concerned.  _ Great, Steve, now he’s all stressed out worrying about you, nice going.  _ He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself.

“I’m fine,” he said to the worried man beside him. “I’m really sorry, um..?”

“Tony,” the man supplied, still looking worried.

“I’m really sorry, Tony. About all of this. You probably have better places to be, and things to do, and you risked your life and wasted your time for me, I’m really sorry…”

“Okay, first off, calm down, take a deep breath,” the man – Tony – instructed, rubbing Steve’s back gently. “Second, don’t worry about it okay? I had no plans for today anyway, besides going home and watching shitty TV, so I don’t mind hanging out with you. It’s like I made a new friend,” he concluded happily, again smiling like the freaking sun. Steve loved that smile.

“I’m Steve Rogers,” Steve said shyly, offering his hand to Tony (after making sure he wasn’t shaking any more). “I, um...thank you for everything, but I really need to get home.”

Tony pouted adorably. “Does that mean you don’t wanna be my friend?”

Steve couldn’t help smiling at that.  _ Damn, this guy is powerful. He’s made me smile more in the last five minutes than I have in the past five days. _ “We can definitely be friends, Tony. You seem nice.”

“Yeah, that’s how I want my first impressions on people to be,” Tony laughed. “That I ‘seem nice’.” Steve blushed but didn’t get to say anything as Tony produced a Sharpie seemingly out of nowhere and handed it to Steve. “Number, please.”

“Um…there’s nothing to write on.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Just write on my arm...Rogers, was it?”

Steve nodded and complied, holding Tony’s well-shaped arm and scrawling his number on it. “You know it’s not safe to use Sharpie on skin, right?” he asked, genuinely fearful for Tony’s safety. The man just waved his hand at Steve uncaringly.

“I don’t mind risking skin cancer for you,” he said, flashing Steve that sunshine-y smile again. That was the nicest thing anyone had said to Steve in, well, forever.

“You okay to go home alone?” Tony asked, worry evident in his voice. “D’you want me to come with you?”

Steve could think of nothing he wanted less; he hadn’t felt up to cleaning the past few days and his apartment was a mess. Certainly not the state he’d want a new ‘friend’ to see it in. He shook his head at Tony’s question, and pushed himself up. Thankfully he could stand up without wobbling too much. Walking home, however, was going to be a completely different challenge.

“Yeah, I should be going,” he nodded at Tony. “Thank you again. For everything.”

“No worries, Steve,” Tony said, smiling. “Get home safe okay?” He gave Steve a quick one-armed hug and left, leaving Steve feeling more alone than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so if you can't tell, I've never been to the US, I dunno anything about Brooklyn or NYC or the US or anything, besides what you see in movies. Do people walk around on the streets? No idea. If there's anything wrong, please let me know!
> 
> I'm aiming to update this every 3-4 days or so, but it might take slightly longer sometimes, so I apologize in advance.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve went home and fell down onto on his bed, too exhausted to even take his shoes or dirt-stained clothes off. He let out a soft whimper, unable to stop his head from collapsing into himself.

Did he really want to die? He’d always thought about it, in the way you’d think “Hey, I need to fix the wallpaper here,” as something he’d maybe want to do, but never seriously considered actually doing to himself. His thought process had always been something along the lines of _ it’s an option, but things aren’t so bad…and even if they were…they could always be worse. _So why’d he freeze up so bad in front of that car? He didn’t really want to kill himself, he wanted to live; there were things worth living for, right? Even if he couldn’t think of any right at the moment?

And the man who’d helped him, saved his life, been so damn _ nice _ to him…Steve was living the definition of ‘mixed feelings’ about the guy right now. He was grateful, of course, he was so undeniably grateful for everything Tony had done for him. He’d actually liked him, which was rare for Steve after a brief five-minute meeting. He’d never stop feeling like he owed the man, and he’d definitely do anything to pay him back.

But even then, he couldn’t get rid of a small undercurrent of…_ anger _? Steve tried to deny it, but he was definitely angry with the man. He’d stopped Steve from killing himself. If Tony didn’t exist, if he’d decided to do nothing, Steve would be dead right now, and he wouldn’t have to think about all this, he wouldn’t have any more cares or worries.

But did that mean he actually wanted to die?

Steve let out a groan of frustration into his pillow, tears leaking from his eyes. He didn’t know _ what to do _ anymore, he needed to stop thinking so much, needed to get out of his head, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go, and goddamn, it _ hurt, _it hurt so bad, Steve just wanted it to end….

Steve fell asleep like that, sobbing into a pillow, trying to avoid the thought of never waking up again.

He woke up a few hours later to a bunch of texts from an unknown number. He smiled slightly to himself, knowing who it would be from. (Not that it was very difficult, nobody usually texted him.) He ignored his phone though, electing to clean himself and his apartment up a bit first. He’d fallen asleep still covered in dirt and sweat and bits of gravel, so he took a long shower, trying to focus only on the hot water hitting his body and not on his mental breakdown earlier.

Steve forced himself to make and eat a sandwich, knowing his brain would rebel if he tried to be any healthier. He tried to put off looking at his phone for as long as possible, but once he realized he didn’t exactly have anything else he could do, he took a deep breath and read the texts.

**_ -Hey did u get home safe?_ **

**_ -This is tony btw if u couldn’t already guess_ **

**_ -You’re not replying does that mean u died shit should I come looking for u_ **

**_ -My friend told me I can’t come looking for u and you’re probably sleeping so that’s cool_ **

**_ -Text me back tho so ik you’re not dead_ **

**_ -Am I annoying u_ **

**_ -I’ll shut up now_ **

**_ -Text me back tho_ **

Steve smiled, his first real smile since he got home. He mentally registered that, again, he’d only smiled because of Tony, but pushed the thought away in favor of replying.

_ -Yeah, I got home safe. Thank you for the concern lol, and don’t worry I’m definitely not dead. _

He hesitated, before sending another line and quickly locked his phone, not wanting to receive any return messages right now

_ -And you’re not annoying, you don’t have to shut up :) _

Steve wasn’t depressed. Yeah, he had moments where he wanted to curl into a ball and wallow in sadness, and sure, sometimes that made him unable to function like a human being. That was normal, okay? Everyone went through things like that, he wasn’t any different from anyone else.

Which is why he always avoided the topic whenever it came up between him and the others; they didn’t agree with him at all. Natasha was especially stubborn; insisting that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and they were all willing to help him if he needed it.

“For the millionth fucking time, Nat, I don’t need help!” he yelled at her that night. They were all gathered at Sam’s place, their usual hangout spot. Some TV show was playing in the background as they talked and drank from the six-pack Bucky had brought along. Or at least, everyone else was drinking; Steve wasn’t stupid enough to try. He knew he was the dictionary definition of a lightweight, after his first and last time drinking a few years back. The beer tasted as bad going down as it did coming up, and he’d stayed away from alcohol after that.

“Honestly, Steve, hiding stuff from us isn’t going to make you feel any better. Why not just admit you’re depressed sometimes and you could use a little help?”

“Please shut up,” Steve mumbled, glaring at her, and changed the subject before the others could join in. “Hey, guess what happened to me today.”

“Nobody cares,” Sam called from the other side of the room, where he was seated playing FIFA with Bucky.

“Shut up, birdbrain,” Bucky said, punching Sam on the shoulder. In the few seconds he took his hand off the controller, Sam managed to score a goal. Bucky threw his controller down in frustration and walked over to Steve, flipping the finger at Sam who was still seated, celebrating happily in his corner.

“What did you say happened t’you, Steve?” Bucky asked, sitting himself next to them and taking a long swig out of Natasha’s bottle, and ruffling Steve’s hair like he was five. Steve blushed but told them anyway.

“I might have kind of got a guy’s number?” he said, not looking Bucky in the eye. He couldn’t help smiling like an idiot every time he thought about Tony, and he didn’t need Bucky seeing that.

Natasha whooped and clapped him on the shoulder, and even Sam ignored the game in favor of interrogating him.

“Stevie, how the _ hell _ did you manage to do that?” Bucky laughed, patting Steve on the head. “Didn’t kidnap anyone and force them to do it, did ya?”

“Shut up, Buck,” Steve said, blushing. “We kind of, uh…bumped into each other on the street. I guess he didn’t technically give me his number, I gave him mine, and he texted me later, but yeah, that still counts, right?” He’d already decided not to tell them about the near-accident. He could barely handle his own reaction, let alone theirs.

“What’s he like?” asked Natasha, always ready for details about Steve’s life. “Hot? Tall? Short? Hot? Rich? Nice? Hot?”

“He’s…nice, I guess. He helped me get back on my feet, and we spoke for a bit, and yeah, he was nice to me.”

“You didn’t answer the main question,” Natasha said, pushing herself forward. “Is he hot?”

Steve blushed harder than ever. “I dunno? I mean he was pretty attractive, maybe…but I wasn’t really focused on that? I was just happy I made a new friend, I wasn’t really thinking about anything else.”

“Stevie, if the guy asked you your number, he definitely thinks you’re hot,” said Bucky, slowly running his hands up and down Steve’s back.

“No! Buck, what the hell, he didn’t think of me that way!” _ I’m too ugly for that, _he mumbled to himself, knowing the others would just smother him more if they heard. But really, Bucky was being an idiot. Steve wasn’t hot in any way; surely a man who literally radiated sunshine and beauty the way Tony did would see nothing of interest in scrawny, unattractive Steve Rogers.

“You don’t know he didn’t, Stevie,” drawled Bucky. “Did he ask to meet up again, or anything?”

Even as Steve started to form a “no”, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. It had to be Tony, the only other people who ever texted him were all currently in the room with him. He quickly changed the subject to Natasha’s kindergarten class, and when they were all distracted, pulled out his phone to read Tony’s texts.

**_ -You’re the first person who hasn’t been annoyed by me on sight lol_ **

**_ -Also you’ll regret telling me not to shut up, I can talk forever if someone doesn’t shut my mouth_ **

**_ -Or fingers in this case lol_ **

Steve smiled at that, and closed his phone, leaving the messages unopened (He had a personal rule: never reply to texts until at least three minutes after the other person has sent it. That way, if they’re not in the mood to talk, or they want to ignore you, they have a respectable time frame to ignore your messages without offending you.) (Not that Steve would be offended, he knew people didn’t ever like him enough to hold a conversation with him.)

Before he could tuck his phone away, he felt it buzz and light up one more time. He looked down at his phone to read the text, and blushed and hid it in his pockets before Bucky could ask why he was so distracted.

**_ -D’you wanna maybe meet up for a coffee sometime?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left kudos on the last chapter, that shit is seriously motivating. Like more motivating than the shit-pile of schoolwork and projects that I ignore in favour of writing this. I love you guys


	3. Chapter 3

Steve sat at the tiny café where they’d first met. They’d agreed to meet up here, and Steve had showed up fifteen minutes early, just in case. He sat at the same table they’d sat at a few days ago, tapping his fingers on the table anxiously and checking himself over and over to make sure he looked presentable.

He didn’t even know why he was so worried, it wasn’t like this was a date or anything. It was just two acquaintances meeting up, possibly becoming friends. There was nothing more to it.

He checked his watch again. 4:05, five minutes after they’d agreed to meet. He breathed nervously, trying not to overthink this.

_ What if he doesn’t come? I didn’t really expect someone as nice as him to be friends with me, did I? _

_ This could be some kind of elaborate prank, I look like a fool, he’d definitely think I’d fall for a prank as dumb as this. And I did fall for it, didn’t I, if this is a prank? _

_ Maybe he’s been in a horrible car accident, as some kind of twisted karma for when he stopped me from being in one, fuck should I go look for him, or do I just- _

“Hey, Steve!”

Steve stopped brooding to look up and see Tony’s flushed, slightly sweaty face collapse into the chair in front of his. Steve couldn’t help it; he broke into a wide beaming smile the minute his eyes met Tony’s. He was quite literally a ray of sunshine.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I got kind of held up at work,” Tony explained cheerfully, taking a long sip of water. It was obvious he had run here from wherever he was before, and Steve immediately felt guilty.

“You didn’t have to rush here, Tony,” he said gently. “I’m so sorry, I should have said a later time or something.”

“No worries,” said Tony airily, loosening his tie. “I’d normally be out by now, but like I said…work. You know how it is.” He unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt, suddenly looking much younger and relaxed. Steve giggled.

“Not really,” he said. Tony gave him a confused look, and he rushed to explain. “I’m an art teacher. Middle and high school. One of the best parts of teaching a subject most students don’t like is that I never have to stay late.”

Tony laughed aloud at that. “I’d have thought it was the other way around, to be honest. The kids don’t like art, so they get worse at it, and you have to give extra coaching.”

Steve shook his head. “The school can’t afford to pay any more for the Arts and Humanities departments. As it is, there’s only me teaching 6 different grades of students. I do give extra coaching sometimes, but that’s on my own time, and obviously I can’t when the students are busy doing after-school activities of their own.”

“That’s sad,” Tony mused, unbuttoning his cuffs and rolling his sleeves up so his forearms were exposed. The whole ‘scruffy businessman’ look really worked for him, and Steve had to focus hard on not drooling. “Kids going and failing a subject just because their school doesn’t have the budget to help them pass. That’s really sad.”

Steve just shrugged. “So what do you do?” he asked, changing the subject. He was a little uncomfortable with the focus being on him, but he also really wanted to hear Tony’s gorgeous voice.

“I kind of own my own business,” laughed Tony. “My dad started it, and I inherited it after I finished college…”

Three hours later, Steve and Tony were still in the same spot, talking to each other unceasingly. Steve couldn’t believe how well the day was going; he was usually too socially awkward to carry on a conversation for more than five minutes, if he made it that far. With Tony though, it came simply and naturally, and even when he felt too scared to talk, he could just sit back and listen to the man ramble on and on and on about whatever it was they were talking about at the moment. It was like they were in their own little bubble, and Steve didn’t even notice how fast time had flown by until he looked around and noticed how much darker it had gotten.

They looked at each other, smiling, surrounded by two empty plates and four polystyrene coffee cups, only one of which was Steve’s. In Tony’s own words, he’d admitted that he “loved coffee more than I’d love my first-born child,” and while Steve was slightly concerned by the man’s caffeine consumption, he couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy how much more relaxed and carefree it made him.

“This was really nice, Tony,” Steve said sincerely, after a few seconds of comfortable silence.  _ That’s the longest time we’ve been quiet all day, _ he realized amusedly. “I…thank you for this. And everything else you’ve done for me.”

“You need to stop thanking me, Steven,” said Tony, smiling. “I think I got it after the millionth time or so.” Steve flushed and immediately started to apologize, but Tony cut him off.

“It was no problem, really. And spending time with you today was no problem either. I actually really liked this, and I like…you,” he ended, blushing slightly, and looking nervous for the first time all day. Steve flushed, and tried to think of something to say, but Tony immediately started speaking again.

“I…there’s something about you, and I dunno, I really like you Steve. And I’d like to do this again sometime, if, um, if you’d like it too.” He paused for a second, took a deep breath and rushed on, stumbling a little over his words. “You don’t have to say anything, not if it makes you uncomfortable or something. I know I can be a little forward sometimes, and if you don’t want this to be any more than it is right now, I’m completely fine with that, you just have to tell me where to stop.”

Tony looked at Steve expectantly, almost child-like at the end of his speech, like he actually thought Steve would turn him down. Steve practically laughed out loud at that, at the idea that  _ he  _ could turn down someone as amazing as Tony Stark right there. The fact that Tony could even  _ ask  _ him was unbelievable. In fact, it was so unbelievable, Steve wanted to make sure, just in case.

“Do this again…like a date?” asked Steve shyly, not looking Tony in the eyes. His hands shook slightly under the table, like they always did when he was nervous, and he tried to control himself.

“Yeah, a date, I guess. It doesn’t have to be here, I know it might have really bad memories for you, but, yeah, anywhere you want would be cool. I’d be cool with it I mean. If you want to,” he amended, and then shut up, clearly afraid of embarrassing himself. Steve wanted to  _ cry;  _ how did he ever manage to befriend someone as sweet and thoughtful and adorable as Tony fucking Stark? 

“I, um…yeah. I’d like that too,” he said quietly. He didn’t say what he was really thinking;  _ Why the hell would you ask me? There’s a million hotter, better people in Brooklyn that you’d like better, why are you settling for a shitbag like me?,  _ thinking it would be a bit too much to dump on his new friend on their first…date? Did this count as a date? Steve didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to embarrass himself by asking.

Tony’s face broke into a brilliant, beautiful smile, and Steve felt a bite of satisfaction, even if only for a moment, at the thought that  _ he’d _ managed to cause that smile.  _ He  _ had. The world deserved more of Tony Stark smiling.

“I guess we’ll see each other again, then,” Tony smiled, reaching for the bill. Steve stopped him, touching Tony’s hand for the first time all night. It gave him a warm, fluttery feeling in his stomach; he should definitely do that more. Steve pulled it out from under Tony’s hand, ignoring his protests.

“Tony, you saved my life,” Steve said firmly, if a little shy. “I owe you much more than coffee and cake, but I might as well start here.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Steve, really, the fact that you even agreed to go out with me again is more than enough,” Tony said, and his eyes were just so  _ expressive,  _ his voice so sincere, that Steve had to control a sudden urge to reach over the table and kiss the guy right then and there. As it was, he felt his hands start shaking under the table, and his eyes filled with unexpected tears, surprising even him. He pulled his eyes away from Tony, not saying anything, and signed the bill, trying to get himself under control.

“That’s um, really sweet of you, Tony. I…thank you,” Steve said, his voice wavering slightly, hopefully not enough for Tony to notice. “I’m still paying, though.”

Tony smiled wider, a little resigned, and waited ‘til Steve was ready to stand up and leave. They walked a little way down the street together in silence before they had to part ways.

“Would you mind if I um, walked you home?” Tony asked shyly, surprising Steve. Through the whole day, he’d been the quiet, nervous one while Tony emanated so much energy and happiness, he could fill a room by himself. It was nice seeing another side to the guy, Steve reflected, and he couldn’t help but wish their…date…had lasted longer.

“That’s really sweet of you, Tony, but I don’t live very near here. It’s about half an hour away, I can’t make you walk that far.”

Tony’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Half an hour away? And you  _ walked  _ here? Steven fucking Rogers, how stupid are you?”

Steve smiled. “It’s not easy owning a car in Brooklyn, Tony. And I couldn’t buy one on a teacher’s salary anyway.”

Tony grabbed his hand and pulled him in the opposite direction. Steve followed, bemused, but trusting. “You’re not walking back home, Steve. I’m driving you.”

Now Steve was really confused. He sped up his steps to catch up to Tony, panting. Damn his weak lungs.

“Wait, if you drove here…why’d you ask to walk me back?”

Tony blushed the prettiest shade of pink. It reminded Steve of a painting he saw once, a picture of a field of blue flowers with a lone pink flower in the middle. It was a mesmerizing painting, and Tony’s cheeks were the exact color of that one flower that drew everyone’s eye. He looked gorgeous.

“I…I had a really nice time with you, Steve,” Tony said, stopping abruptly and turning to face him. “Don’t take this in a creepy way or anything, but...I didn’t want this date to be over-” Ha, so it  _ was  _ a date! “-and I thought I could walk with you for a few minutes before I had to leave. I didn’t realize you’d walked from fucking  _ 30 minutes away _ -” He grabbed Steve’s hand and pulled him forward again, “-honestly, Steve, with your asthma, and everything else, why the fuck did you have to walk this far, I could have come somewhere nearer to you.”

“It’s closer to your work,” Steve pointed out as they finally stopped at Tony’s car. He’d had to park a little ways away from the café, which explained why he was so out of breath earlier.

“It doesn’t matter, I could have driven there in half the time!” Tony said wildly, climbing into the car. “Jesus, Steve, it’s like you’re actively trying to kill yourself!”

Steve pushed down the icy shudder that went through him at those words. His hands started shaking violently, and he climbed into the car, ignoring Tony.

_ He’s mad at me. I knew this was going too well to last. And of course I’d fuck it up myself, it’s what I’m best at. _

“I…I’m really sorry, Tony,” Steve said, when they’ve both buckled in. “I really didn’t want to inconvenience you, and I couldn't ask you to drive all that way just to make it easier for me. It wouldn't be...nice.” Fuck, even his voice was trembling now,  _ get a fucking grip, Rogers, you’re not a fucking baby! _

Tony spared a glance at Steve, before looking back at the road. “Is that something that happens when you’re anxious?” he asked softly, quietly. “Your hands shaking like that?”

Steve was shocked. So far, none of the others had picked up on it, not even Natasha, whose spying and detection skills were extraordinary. Tony had barely even known him for a week and he’d noticed. What did it say about him?

“Not just my hands, it’s everything,” he mumbled, loud enough for Tony to hear. “It’s um..it’s not something I’m proud of, Tony, and I’m trying to control it as much as I can.’

“You don’t have to,” said Tony, surprisingly. “People have uncontrollable tells all the time, and if it helps your anxiety, it’s not something you need to hide or control.” Steve toyed with the idea of telling him that this wasn’t a way for him to handle anxiety; it was more of a thing his body did when he was feeling too overwhelmed, or depressed, or anxious, or anything, really. It wasn’t a coping mechanism, it was a sign of weakness. He pushed the thought down. He barely knew Tony, there was no need to unload all this emotional baggage onto him already.

“Hey, it’s better than what I did when I was stressed and anxious in college,” Tony said, trying to lighten the mood. “Which was drinking myself to sleep, and then waking up and drugging myself up so much, I was like a walking pharmacy.”

Steve looked at him, shocked. “Didn’t you say you went to college when you were 14?” he asked, trying to keep his tone judgement-free.

Tony simply shrugged, and explained how he’d turned to drink as an aftermath of his horrible relationship with his parents, and how the stress of that and of being five years younger than most of his peers led him to do drugs to try and fit in. In return, Steve told him about his troubled childhood, about growing up sick and having to be rushed to the hospital every other week, and having to watch his mother break her back to pay for all the bills.

They continued talking all the way through the ride. The conversation had a darker tone than the one they shared in the café, but it was more intimate, more personal. He’d seen a different side of Tony, and Steve very much liked it.

The conversation slowed down as they reached Steve’s apartment, Tony slowly pulling to a stop in front of the building. Steve stayed seated for a moment, unwilling to leave.

“I’ll text you, okay? Another place and time?” Tony asked, and Steve nodded along, removing his seatbelt. He opened the car door, but stayed seated, turning to face Tony.

“Thank you for everything, Tony. I had a really nice time,” he said, shyly. Before he could leave, Tony leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

“Good night, Steve,” Tony said, and Steve took a few seconds to remember how to respond to that.

“G’night Tony,” he said, smiling. He stayed outside until Tony had driven away, and climbed upstairs feeling happier than he’d done in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](https://imgur.com/rrgLCg7) is the painting Steve referenced. I got it off of Google Images, so if you know the owner, please let me know so I can credit them!
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated, and thanks to the 5 people who read this, cause that shit is the best.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve and Natasha walked to work together the next day, like they did every morning. Today, though, Natasha could tell something was different. Steve _ looked _ the same, but the vibe she was getting from him…

She stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk and examined him critically. Steve stopped too, confused, giving Natasha a chance to scrutinize him better. He was as thin and scrawny as ever, but for some reason, he wasn’t as pale. His cheeks were flushed, not in the scary, I’m-about-to-get-a-fever-that-will-kill-me way, but more of a happy glow. His eyes were sparkling, filled with more life than she’d seen in them for a long time. She smirked to herself.

“So how’d your date go?” she asked, continuing forward casually, like nothing had happened. She laughed internally at the choked sound Steve made from behind her, not even needing to turn to see his look of shock.

“How...how did you know I had a date?”

Now she couldn’t control it. She burst out laughing, prompting many of the commuters around to glare at her. “I didn’t,” she said, laughing even harder at the look on Steve’s face. “You just told me.”

Steve groaned, trying to hide his face in his hands. “Nat, you are an absolute asshole, you know that?”

“To be fair, you gave it away before I even asked,” shrugged Natasha. “You seem so much more...vibrant, I guess today.”

Steve snorted. “‘Vibrant’ is the least accurate word you could use to describe me, Nat.”

“You know how pregnant women look like they’re glowing with happiness sometimes? That’s what you look like.”

Steve sighed at that. “Okay, yes, I went on a date. But it’s not important, nothing happened. Don’t make it a big deal, okay?”

“I won’t, Stevie,” Natasha smirked, running a hand through his soft, blonde hair. Steve scowled; Natasha _ knew _ how much he hated that nickname. “I get to ask who it is though, right?”

“You don’t know him,” Steve said, quickly. “It’s just...the guy I was telling you about the other day.”

“Ah, yes, mystery guy who asked for your number. How’d it go?”

Steve blushed, but mumbled “It went fine,” just loud enough for Natasha to hear, discouraging any further questions. Natasha wasn’t afraid to push, but they’d both reached the school, so they parted, but not before she gave him a look that let him know very clearly that she wasn’t done with him.

Steve’s mind wasn’t on his teaching. He worked through the day on autopilot, thinking about everything that had happened in the past 24 hours.

Natasha had been right, kind of. He’d woken up to a good morning text from Tony, which was enough by itself to make his spirits rise. As he was getting ready for work, he couldn’t stop replaying the memory of Tony’s lips on his cheek, even though they’d only rested there for about half a second. And to cap it all off, he’d received another text from Tony as he left his apartment, just a simple _ Have a great day! _with a heart emoji. Steve already knew this was shaping up to be one of his better days so far. But then…

After his conversation with Natasha (if you could really call it a ‘conversation’), he couldn’t seem to remember, or at least focus on, any of that. Not that she’d said anything, or laughed at him, in fact, she’d been her normal nice self. But for some reason, talking to her buried all the nice things about his..._ relationship?... _ with Tony, and instead replaced them with everything he was trying _ not _ to think about.

He tried to stop himself, knowing where this was leading. _ Don’t go down that path, Steve, not with the kids around. _ He closed his eyes, shook his head, and tried to focus on his work. He looked up at the clock, noting that there were only 20 minutes until his last class for the day, and he could head home and wallow in his head in peace. _ It’s like I’m actually back in school again, _he thought to himself wryly, and his attention was forced away by a hyperactive kid who spilled an entire can of blue paint on the floor.

Half an hour later, he gratefully closed the door to the art room, leaving the mess inside uncleaned. It could always be cleaned tomorrow, for now, he just wanted to get home.

Steve never got the chance. He was only halfway to the gate when his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to see a text from, of all people, Tony.

**_ -Hey Steevee turns out i have no meetings today so I’m outttt. D’you want to meet somewhere for lunch?_ **

Steve didn’t even have time to smile at the message before his phone buzzed again, and more texts started showing up.

**_ -No shit wait I forgot you’re at school, I’m so sorry_**

**_ -Lol if anyone read my texts now they’d think I’m a pedophile_**

**_ -Text me back when you’re done with school ;)_ **

Steve smiled widely, not even bothering to move out of the way of the students around him.

_ -I’m already out, Tony_

The man’s reply came within seconds

**_ -Great! Wanna meet me for lunch?_**

_ -Sure, give me a place and I'll be there in a few minutes._

**_ -Yeah, no, I'm not making that mistake again_ **

**_ -Pick a place near where you are, and I’ll come there :)_ **

Steve could feel his heart grow enough to explode out of his frail chest.

  
  


“You smell like paint,” Tony remarked happily, falling into the seat opposite Steve. He’d seemingly gotten off earlier than Steve had, wearing a casual band tee and jeans. Steve had never seen anything more beautiful.

“Yeah, that tends to happen when you work around paint all day,” he said dryly. Tony giggled, actually and literally giggled, and god, if Steve’s heart didn’t melt at the sound. 

He relaxed into his chair, listening as Tony babbled on about his day. Steve was tired, but Tony’s voice was like a smooth buzz, comforting and engaging at the same time. He closed his eyes slightly, smiling at some of Tony’s funnier stories. 

“I can’t be the only one talking, Steve,” said Tony at the end of a long winded tale involving his best friend (“Rhodey”) and something about paintballs and stupid nicknames. “How’d your day go?”

“I smell like paint,” Steve pointed out. “Does that seem like my day was any good?”

“Who knows? It could’ve been finger painting day or something.”

Steve burst out laughing. “Yes, Tony. That’s all the rage with high school kids these days. _ Finger painting _.”

Tony scowled and looked away from where Steve was laughing. “I don’t know anything about kids, okay?” he huffed, looking offended when that only made Steve giggle harder.

“Sorry...I’m so sorry” Steve choked out after finally calming himself down. He had to suppress more giggles at the fake-offended look on Tony’s face. “God, I haven’t laughed that hard in so long. Felt good.”

For some reason, Steve’s words rearranged Tony’s face into a look of concern instead. Tony scooted his chair over so he was sitting next to Steve and placed his head on the table so he could look directly at Steve, upside-down.

“That wasn’t even that funny,” Tony said, quiet and soft. “If something stupid like that is the first thing that’s made you laugh in a long time....you need a lot more happiness in your life, Steve.”

Steve was confused. He opened his mouth to say something, but Tony cut him off.

“This is probably really weird from someone you’ve barely known for two weeks, but Steve, you need to hear it from me that you’re a great guy. Two weeks is enough time for me to know that you’re one of the best people I’ve met, and you deserve all the happiness and joy in the world and...and I want to give you that.” Steve held his breath, not daring to move even the slightest bit, afraid he’d ruin the moment.

“I don’t normally do this on the second date - if the stuff we did even count as dates - but I’m a businessman and I know I need to snatch up a good thing when I see it. And you’re a good thing, Steve, you really are, and that’s probably why I’m rambling and not getting to my actual point, because I’m trying to avoid the inevitable heartbreak I’ll feel when you say no because you’re just too damn good for me, but-” Tony closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and continued, “- Steve Rogers, would you want to be my boyfriend?”

Steve just blinked a couple of times, confused. ”I’m sorry, I think I heard that wrong. Would you mind repeating those last two sentences?”

Tony blushed furiously, that beautiful, _ beautiful _pink color coating his cheeks, and hid his face in his arms. “Don’t make me say that again,” he moaned, and then suddenly shot up again. “Not that I don't want to say it, I meant every word I said. I just don’t want to embarrass myself all over again.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed,” Steve said slowly. ”I just meant...did you seriously just ask me out and say you’re not good enough for me in the same sentence?” He shook his head and spoke again before Tony could interrupt. “Tony, you literally saved my life. My life wasn’t worth shit, not to you or anyone else, but you still saved me. How the fuck d’you think you’re not good enough for me when it’s actually the other way ‘round?” He paused for a second, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall out of his eyes.

“I would say yes to you in a heartbeat, Tony, but that would be the most selfish decision I could make, because you deserve so much better. Someone as amazing you...why would you want to be dragged down by this-” he gestured to himself, his voice growing quieter and shakier “-when you could literally have the whole world?”

Steve stopped to gather his thoughts, to stop his voice and his hands from shaking so violently. Before he could open his mouth to continue, Tony pulled him into a hug, gripping him so tightly that he couldn’t speak. Steve froze for half a second, and then melted into his touch. No one had hugged him in a really long time. He’d forgotten what good human contact felt like.

“I don’t want the world, I want you, Rogers,” Tony whispered, directly into Steve’s ear. “Stop overthinking this and say yes, you asshole.”

Steve giggled, his eyes still wet and his hands still trembling. “You don’t want to date me Tony.” he said quietly. “I’m a mess. You don’t want to deal with all my shit.”

“What if I said I want to?”

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“You don’t.”

“I can do this all day, Steve,” said Tony, and Steve could literally feel Tony’s smirk on his skin. “Your choice.”

Steve smiled, his heart warming. How could he continue to say no to this? Tony would get tired of him and leave eventually, but Steve could have at least a little time with the amazing, gorgeous man currently pressed to his chest before that happened.

“Okay, then, Tony Stark.” he mumbled into Tony’s neck. “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend.”

Tony didn’t say anything, surprisingly enough. He just pulled Steve even tighter against his body, crushing him like he was trying to transfer all his emotions into Steve’s body that way. It was a sweet and romantic gesture, and Steve relaxed into it for about two seconds, until he realized he was on the verge of an asthma attack.

“Tony,” he grunted. Tony took no notice, simply snuggling into his neck even more. “Can’t...breathe.”

Tony let go like he’d been burned. Steve almost fell to the floor, but managed to catch the edge of the table and sit down, taking deep, shuddering breaths.

“Ah shit, Steve, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think, just keep breathing okay, you’ll be fine…” Tony’s frantic babbling was a sharp contrast to the slow, soft circles he was rubbing on Steve’s back. Steve smiled to himself, taking deep measured breaths until his breathing evened out. He looked Tony directly in the eye, a smile playing on his face.

“My ma told me the best relationships always start with one person trying to kill the other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like my writing gets worse the more i write lol isn't that supposed to be the other way round?
> 
> But anyway, please share this fic around guys, and maybe leave a comment or two because comments are like a drug to me. But even if you don't I love you guys, thank you for reading this.


	5. Chapter 5

Steve spent the night alternating between smiling at texts he received from Tony (there were only so many cute cat videos you could watch without becoming a little...desensitized) and puzzling over how to tell his friends about this new development in his life. Bucky, in particular, was going to be very mad that Steve hadn’t told him earlier; Steve figured the quicker he told them, the safer he’d be. But how? He couldn’t just walk up and say _ Hey, guess what, I’m no longer the only single one in our group! _ Or what about, _ I’ve met up with a stranger at least twice so far without telling anyone, and it’s just my dumb luck that I haven’t been murdered or kidnapped yet. _He’d love to see the look on Bucky’s face at that.

Three hours of fitful sleep later, Steve eased himself awake. It was earlier than his usual wake-up time, and he groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, stuffing his face into his pillow and trying to force his body to go back to sleep.

When that didn’t work, he realized he might as well start the day early, and went through the motions of showering, cleaning and getting dressed for work. By the time he was done, he still had an hour and a half before he had to leave, and so he decided with a jolt of trepidation, that this might be the best time to tell Bucky everything. He quickly texted Bucky to see if he was awake and they agreed to meet for breakfast in 30 minutes.

  
  


“Stevie, what the hell was so important that you had to wake me up this early?” groaned Bucky, opening his door to let Steve in. He was only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxers, and was glaring up at Steve, unimpressed. Despite his unwelcoming words, Steve could smell the scent of fresh coffee and toast wafting from the corner of Bucky and Sam’s apartment. He smiled to himself, his heart growing with fondness.

“You were already awake you dickhead, don’t blame me,” Steve grumbled, pushing past Bucky to steal a slice of toast. “Is it so bad that I wanted to talk to my best friend?”

“Yeah, when it’s fucking 7 in the morning, and I could be in bed with Sam right now, having a good round of-"

“I don’t need to know that!” Steve shouted quickly, covering both his ears with bread slices. 

“‘S good you didn’t get here early, then, ‘cause you would’ve heard a lot more than you might’ve wanted to.” Bucky smirked as Steve pressed the bread slices even harder into his ears and started humming off key. He slid down to sit next to his friend, all traces of humor dropping away.

“Everything okay, Stevie?” he asked, genuinely worried something was wrong. But then again...nothing seemed to be wrong. In fact, Steve actually seemed…._ happy _? That was something Bucky hadn’t seen in a long time, a happy Steve. He sat up expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

“‘Vry’thn’s fine, Buck’,” Steve mumbled around a mouthful of toast. He gulped it down comically fast, like a cartoon character, and looked up at Bucky with those innocent blue eyes: the same eyes that had persuaded him into a lot of trouble-filled schemes when they were younger.

“I might’ve, um, kind of....” Steve trailed off, coughing, a soft blush coating his cheeks. “...met someone?”

‘Y’ already told me that, Stevie,” said Bucky disappointedly. He’d been hoping for something more interesting; the coffee in front of him was getting more of his attention at the moment than Steve was. “Some dude you bumped into and gave your number to, yeah?”

“He, uh, might have asked me out?” Steve mumbled, causing Bucky to drop his steaming cup of coffee right onto a stack of toast. The man didn’t even notice, staring at Steve in shock, who quickly continued, “And before you ask, I did say yes, I don’t know why, I know I shouldn’t’ve, but I dunno, y’gotta meet ‘im Buck, he’s one of the nicest, sweetest, people I’ve ever met, and I just couldn’t say no, and he asked me so nicely too, and no one’s ever been interested in me before, so I dunno, I guess I have a boyfriend now.” Bucky remained quiet, still staring at Steve with wide eyes.

“You have...a boyfriend...and I didn’t know?” he choked out after almost 30 seconds of tense silence, or long enough for Steve to rethink all his life decisions.

“It just happened yesterday, Buck, and I’m telling you now!”

“That’s not the point, Steve, the point is I should’ve known ‘bout this guy before he became your boyfriend!” Bucky jumped up and started pacing around the room, agitated. “You only met this guy like two weeks ago, how do you know he’s not a serial killer, or going to kidnap you or something?!”

“You don’t know him Buck, believe me, the guy’s not a serial killer.” Steve laughed softly to himself, and continued. “I did a little googling, and the last thing Tony is is a serial killer.”

“Tony, huh? Am I supposed to know that name?” Bucky asked, sarcastically. “Oh, right, I don’t, because _ you never mentioned it, _Steve!”

Steve had the decency to blush. “In my defense, I didn’t think we’d even be friends,” he said, watching Bucky trying to blaze a Formula 1 track into their carpet with his pacing. “We only met up like twice, which was me trying to be nice and pay him back for....bumping into him so hard. And then, I dunno, stuff just happened I guess.”

Bucky sighed and dropped next to Steve, dropping a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Sorry, Stevie,” he mumbled, looking down. “I’m happy for you, really. Just looking out for you ‘s all. I don’t wanna sound like your overprotective mom or anything, but dating a guy I’ve never even heard of? It’s a lot to digest.”

A smile spread over Steve’s face. “Oh, I think you’ll’ve heard of him, Buck.”

  
  
  
  


“I know this is a little quick, but would you want to meet my friends?” Steve asked Tony that night. It was past midnight, and the two had been talking to each other over the phone for hours now, like teenagers. Not that Steve minded; he was used to not sleeping too much. “They’re kind of mad I’m dating someone they’ve never met before.”

Sam had overheard everything that morning, which was no surprise since his bedroom was only a couple of feet away from where Steve and Bucky were having their....discussion. Sam had chosen to be wise and hide while the best friend pair talked it through, but when everything had settled, he’d come out and given Steve his two cents too. Steve had told Natasha on their way to work, and she’d immediately called Clint to let him know. Steve had probably been yelled at more today than he’d had the rest of his life, but in the end, all of them were happy for him, and only asked that they meet Tony so they could judge for themselves if Steve had chosen well.

“I don’t mind,” Tony said, considering it. “‘S a little scary I guess, but if it’ll stop them from being mad at you…”

“You don’t have to do it for me, Tony,” Steve explained, hastily. “It’s just if you wanted to. You don’t have to do it if you’ll feel weird, or anything.”

Tony laughed, that simple sound doing miracles to warm Steve’s heart. “Nothing’s weird if i’m doing it with you, sweetheart.”

Steve pressed his face into his pillow, unable to stop a cheesy smile from spreading over his face. When was the last time he’d actually smiled in this bed?

“I told Bucky not to tell ‘em,” he informed Tony, grinning. “Wait ‘til they realize they’re meeting _ the _Tony Stark.”

Steve could almost literally feel Tony’s eyes rolling on the other end of the line. “You say that like I’m the next Elon Musk or something.”

“You could be,” Steve pointed out. “Maybe in like 20 years, you’ll have invented a new element and called it Stevium, after me.”

Tony snorted. “If I ever do _ discover _an element, Rogers, the last thing I'd do is name it after you. You’re not that special, babe.”

Ouch. That kind of hurt, even though Steve knew Tony hadn’t meant it and was just being his jokey self. “Elements can be invented too,” he snarked, changing the subject. As they fell into an easy argument about synthetic and natural elements, Steve could almost forget the sadness whirling around his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is rlly short, and also a bit of a filler I guess. My apologies, and I'll try to update the next chapters quicker to make up for it.
> 
> Comments and kudos are v much appreciated :)


	6. Chapter 6

Clint pulled Steve by the back of his collar and dragged him into a corner of Steve’s apartment. “Stevie, I swear to god when Nat told me you were dating Tony fuckin’ Stark, I thought you’d finally cracked and I’d have to stuff you into a mental hospital or something. But…” Clint trailed off, his eyes taking in the man sitting on the opposite side of the room, happily chattering away with Natasha and Bucky. “How the hell did you manage to land  _ him _ ?”

“I’m offended, Clint,” Steve said mildly, too busy eyeing his boyfriend appreciatively to pay much attention to Clint’s words. Clint rolled his eyes and pulled Steve around so he could get his full attention.

“You know what I mean, Steve!” he said, exasperatedly. “ How did you meet him? There’s no way you just bumped into Stark on the street and magically became friends. He probably doesn’t even  _ walk _ on the streets, probably has a fleet of limos to take him anywhere he wants to go.” 

Steve stifled a laugh at that, remembering Tony’s angry rant on the same subject. He’d kept rambling about it, right into Steve’s ear, “I dunno why everyone seems to think I don’t do normal shit, just ‘cause I have a lot of money doesn’t mean I’m not  _ human,  _ Steve, like honestly, anytime the press sees me so much as buying a cheeseburger, they all go nuts, its like they think I should be eating caviar and drinking champagne for every meal, but it’s  _ just a fucking cheeseburger,  _ I’m a normal guy and I like normal food okay, it’s like people think the more money you have, the less human you get-” on and on while Steve listened contendedly, inserting a “I know, that’s sad” or “Yeah, babe, you’re totally right,” in the appropriate places.

“Since you’re being a dick and not telling me how you met, I’m going to go ask him myself,” and yup, that was one way to drag Steve’s attention back to down to earth.  _ Fuck. _

“Wait, what, Clint, no don’t ask…” he trailed off, noticing Clint’s satisfied smirk.

“So you  _ were  _ lying, huh, Steve?”

“No, no, I wasn’t, we did...I wasn’t lying.” Steve groaned, and rubbed a hand over his face. He was stupid if he didn’t think this topic was going to come up at some point. “I just meant...don’t go annoy him now when he seems to be having a really nice conversation with Nat.” He gestured to where the two were, surprisingly enough, getting on like a house on fire. “You know how Nat gets when she’s interrupted,” he added, knowing the one way to shut Clint up was to invoke the name of his girlfriend. As expected, a full-body shudder went through Clint, and he mumbled, “Yeah, I don’t want to lose a week of sex over Tony fuckin’ Stark,” before clapping Steve on the shoulder and walking away to find more alcohol to stuff into his system.

Steve groaned and collapsed into the nearest chair. He’d thought inviting everyone over to his place to meet Tony would be the wisest course of action, but now he was rethinking his decision. What if Tony decided to tell them the whole story of how they met? He’d taken care of Clint, at least for the moment, but someone else was bound to ask Tony at some point, especially as Steve was being pretty evasive about that particular subject.

_ Shit.  _ He should’ve prepped Tony for this, he should’ve warned him not to say anything, that he hadn’t exactly told the others yet. But then again, that might’ve just made Tony get all curious and probe deeper and that was the last thing Steve wanted.

He rubbed his face and walked over to where Tony was sitting, still chatting happily with Natasha. Apparently, Nat had worked for a while at Stark Industries, and Tony had noticed a little of her work.

“Not that it was hard,” he grinned, looking up at Steve. “The HR people got so many complaints about her, I got interested.”

“What did Nat do that was so bad it got  _ you  _ to notice her?” asked Bucky from his position on the floor.

Tony snorted. “I asked myself the same thing, and I can see why now.” He eyed Natasha up and down. “No offense, Ms. Romanoff, but you’re fucking terrifying. I can see why the kids you worked with kept complaining so much.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” smiled Natasha, casually poking Bucky’s back with the point of her stilettos. “Also, you can just call me Natasha. I have a feeling you’re going to be around a lot.”

Tony smiled at that, wrapping an arm around Steve’s waist and easily pulling him down to sit on his lap. Steve didn’t like his body all that much on the best of days, but being manhandled by Tony was actually quite nice. He smiled at Tony before closing his eyes and burrowing his head into Tony’s neck. It was warm and comfortable, and Steve wanted to block out the rest of the world and stay there forever, and he did, until Sam’s voice rudely broke through his little bubble.

“So, Stark, Steve’s been strangely quiet about how you two met. How’d it happen?” asked Sam, taking a long drag out of the bottle in his hand.

Well, fuck.

‘“It was so sweet and romantic, he probably can’t talk about it without getting diabetes,” grinned Tony, pressing a kiss to Steve’s cheek. Steve‘s brain immediately went  _ No, no, no, no Steve we gotta stop it, get Tony to shut up, please no, no, no…  _ He didn’t say anything, though, simply pressing his head further into Tony’s neck, waiting for his inevitable death.

“You know those stories of moms pulling babies from the middle of the street, like half a second before they’re run over?” said Tony, and Steve could tell, even from his position, that Tony was grinning like an idiot. “This dumbass here apparently doesn’t know how to cross a road the right way, so I had to do the same thing to him. Stupid bastard almost died, but then it took maybe two seconds of staring at my sexy face before he fell in love with me.”

Steve winced. Poor Tony. He was clearly looking for a laugh, but everyone was silent, probably in shock. Steve sighed and pulled himself out of his refuge in Tony’s neck, knowing he’d have to face the music.

“Stevie really seems to like hiding stuff from us these days, huh?” Bucky asked sweetly, in that tone that Steve was conditioned to associate with danger. Steve flinched and cuddled deeper into Tony’s side, knowing he was in deep shit.

Tony turned to look at Steve, confused. “You didn’t tell them?"

Steve sighed. “I didn’t want to worry you guys, okay?” he said, looking anywhere but his friends’ eyes. “I wasn’t a big deal, nothing even happened, I was fine.”

“You almost died, I think that’s what we’d call a big deal,” said Sam, with narrowed eyes.

“Tony’s exaggerating,” Steve said, trying to be dismissive. “I would’ve got away but Tony just happened to be quicker. Can we please stop talking about this?”

Surprisingly, they didn’t interrogate him further, picking up on the fact that he was very, _very_ uncomfortable. After a few seconds of awkwardness, Natasha mentioned some kid in her kindergarten class who’d done something stupid, and everyone changed their focus to her, making Steve let out a breath of relief. He noticed Tony watching him worriedly, only half-listening to Natasha’s story. Steve refused to catch Tony’s eye, and simply buried himself deeper into his side, and closed his eyes.

He sighed internally. He didn’t want to be around people right now. He wanted to go  _ home. _

_ You are at home,  _ he reminded himself. 

_ Not with this many people around. It’s just suffocating. _

And that was how it felt, really. He felt suffocated. He knew they were his friends, his boyfriend included, and he should be grateful that he even had people that were willing to hang out with him, but he couldn’t. 

_ They’re only here ‘cause they feel bad for you, they don’t care. _

_ No shit,  _ Steve told himself, cuddled into Tony's side. It was a tight fit on his tiny couch, and added to his feeling of mental suffocation. It wasn’t even a particularly comfortable position, but he stayed anyway because Tony’s arms wrapped around his shoulder, and the warm heat radiating from under him, were very comforting.

But wait, if he was uncomfortable, then no doubt Tony was feeling much more discomfort than he was. Steve’s bony body wasn’t exactly comfortable or huggable, and he was definitely not warm to the touch, the way Tony’s skin was. That, and he was shaking, ever so slightly, but Tony could most likely feel it given how closely they were pressed up against each other.

Steve stood up abruptly, pushed Tony’s arms away from him, and sat on the floor leaning on the couch instead, his head next to Tony's. What he really wanted to do was crawl into his bed and hide under the covers for a year or so, but he forced himself to sit on the floor and pretend to be interested in Natasha’s story, which actually seemed to be pretty funny. He didn’t have the mental energy to interact with anyone, but explaining that to everyone and making them leave seemed even more exhausting, so it would just be easier to stay. Besides, kicking them out of his house when they were putting so much effort into pretending to like him would be rude.

God, what was  _ wrong _ with him? He was no stranger to bad moods and mood swings, but you’d think he could control himself around his friends, people who loved him, in his own home. He was the most ungrateful piece of shit to have ever existed, and Tony deserved so much better, no question. Everyone in the room did. If Tony’d let him die that day, if he’d just passed by without looking to the left; everyone currently in the room would have been having a much better time. Not only did Steve drag them down, he’d added Tony into the mix as well.

“Tony,” he whispered, pulling himself up slightly so his mouth was next to his boyfriend’s ear. “You don’t have to stay, y’know, you can leave if you want to. You have work tomorrow, and you’re probably really busy, if you wanted to leave, no one would mind.”

Tony smiled and rubbed a hand softly over Steve’s dirty-blond hair. “In case you forgot, tomorrow’s a weekend. You want to get rid of me that quickly, Steve?”

“No!” said Steve quickly. Fuck, that wasn’t what he’d meant at all. “I didn’t mean it like that, Tony, I’m so sorry, of course you’re welcome to stay if you want to, I...I just assumed you wouldn’t want to.” Tears sprang to Steve’s eyes. Of fucking course. He couldn’t go two fucking minutes without fucking everything up.

Tony turned to face him, his smile turning into a frown. “Babe,” he said, quietly so the others couldn’t hear, “You’re shaking. Is everything okay?”

Steve couldn’t take it anymore. He buried his head into Tony’s side and burst into quiet sobs, trying not to let the others see. Tony, that beautiful, wonderful, amazing man, seemed to know exactly what Steve wanted, and hugged his shoulders tightly, making sure Steve’s face was hidden and anyone who looked would just think he’d fallen asleep. He engaged the others in conversation, drawing attention away from his boyfriend, as Steve cried his heart out into Tony’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this got kind of intense kind of fast, but i guess the point I was trying to make is that for someone with severe mental health issues, waves of depression and anxiety are common and happen with no outside triggers at all. In this case, Steve was already stressed and in a bad mood, it's not odd for him to fall deeper in his head.
> 
> However, I still apologize if this feels too fast or unrealistic to anyone. Let me know, so I can fix it!
> 
> Steve and I could be like soulmates lol I feel ya nervous Steeb


	7. Chapter 7

Steve did fall asleep that way, that fitful half-sleep where he could still feel dried tear tracks on his face, and hear the muted conversations going on above his head without actually discerning anything that was being said. He vaguely registered when the others left, one by one, thinking Steve was tired, until only Bucky and Tony were left.

“I’ll deal with this one,” Tony said fondly, running a hand softly over Steve’s hair, careful not to disturb him, “Don’t worry about it.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes. He’d enjoyed the night, and Stark had turned out to be a better person than he’d expected. Bucky had pictured a snooty, arrogant man who’d turn his nose up at Steve’s apartment and their possessions: it wasn’t like anyone in their group was particularly rich, they were just...comfortable. Tony had surprised him, and all of them, being a lot nicer and down-to-earth than they’d expected. But that still didn’t mean Bucky was willing to leave him alone with an unconscious Steve. Tony seemed trustworthy, but you could never be too careful.

“I can do it,” he said, trying to keep his tone even so Tony wouldn’t take it as an insult. “I spent half my life carrying this one around when we were kids, mostly from his bed at home to a hospital bed. You go on home Stark, it’s fine.”

Tony opened his mouth to protest, and then clearly thought better of that idea, shuffling sideways slightly to give Bucky easier access to Steve’s small body, where he was seated in a position that was quite obviously very uncomfortable.

Steve was still in a state of half-sleep, but he could feel someone’s hands wrapping slowly around him. They were nice arms, strong and stable and smelling somehow of home, but Steve didn’t want to go. He involuntarily let out a low whimper and snuggled his face and body as deep into Tony as he could, moving away from the strange arms. Tony was solid, constant, _ warm. _Steve didn’t want to leave.

Above him, both Bucky and Tony were staring at each other in confusion, Tony having to work really hard to keep a note of smugness out of his face.

“Yeah, you might have to deal with him today,” Bucky said slowly, a little hurt at Steve’s rejection. Tony picked up on it immediately, of course.

“Don’t take it personally,” he said softly, his voice soothing. “He doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’d never reject you on purpose.” He paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “Steve talks about you a lot, ya know? I was scared for a long time before I asked him out, ‘cause I thought you were his boyfriend. It wasn’t until he mentioned your fiancé that I realized I had a shot at his dumb ass.” He smiled fondly at Steve, cradling his head in his arms. “My point being, you guys are best friends, and I swear I’m not going to come in between that.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow, Barnes. He didn’t mean it.”

Bucky shuffled awkwardly, embarrassed that Tony had picked up on his feelings. He nodded quickly at Stark and left, leaving Tony alone with Steve.

Tony sighed, suddenly tired himself. He eased himself slowly upward into a sitting position, trying not to wake Steve. When he could finally get off the couch, he stared at his boyfriend, pondering his options. Steve wasn’t very heavy, but Tony wasn’t a large man; there was no way he could carry him all the way to his bed. He could always wake him, but Tony didn’t want to do that. Poor Steve had clearly been troubled by something, the way he’d cried himself to sleep. Tony didn’t know what the problem was, but surely it would be easier for Steve to deal with it after 8 hours of good sleep, instead of 8 minutes.

With a little bit of a struggle, Tony managed to get Steve lying on the couch. He fetched a pillow and a soft blanket from Steve’s room, and made sure Steve was comfortable before he turned to leave.

Tony hesitated at the door, wondering if he should really leave. He turned to look at Steve, asleep on the couch, and he felt his heart clench. Steve looked so relaxed and peaceful, but Tony could see the dried tear tracks on his face, the downward pull to his lips. How could Tony leave him like that? What kind of boyfriend would he be if he willingly left Steve to wake up alone, knowing he wasn’t in the best state of mind?

Besides, if Tony left, the door would be unlocked all night, and that was definitely not safe.

That settled it. Tony would stay.

  
  


Steve snuffled awake, all his bones aching. He shuffled around slightly, not recognizing the surface he was lying on. He opened his eyes, only to be faced with the sight of Tony seated on a chair, his head dropped backwards, and clearly asleep. Steve smiled slightly to himself at the trickle of drool creeping out of Tony’s mouth, before trying to work out exactly why Tony was seated there, sleeping in what looked like the most uncomfortable position ever.

It took a few minutes but his recollections of the previous night came filtering in, and Steve involuntarily cringed. He couldn’t believe how much he’d embarrassed himself, and to top it all off, Tony’d clearly thought Steve needed protecting or coddling or something, and had stayed over. Could he _ ever _stop being a burden on people? Apparently not.

Steve pulled himself up, refusing to acknowledge the ache in his muscles. What right did he have to complain, when Tony was going to wake up with a sore neck and back and who knew what else, all because of him?

It was only about 7 in the morning, too early to wake up on a weekend. Steve debated for a moment on whether he should wake Tony and get him to a proper bed, or let him be, but he didn’t have to think for too long, as Tony woke up to the sounds of Steve shuffling around on the couch.

Steve winced as he watched Tony wake up and massage his neck in obvious pain. He caught Steve’s eyes and smiled. “Good morning, beautiful,” he said, and in any other circumstance, his raspy morning voice would have led Steve to have some very very naughty thoughts

Steve walked over to his boyfriend, hugging him from behind the chair and nuzzling his nose into Tony’s hair. “G’morning,” he mumbled. “How did you sleep?”

“Like a truck ran over me,” groaned Tony, closing his eyes and leaning further into Steve’s arms. Steve sighed and pulled away.

“You didn’t have to stay over, Tony. And even if you did, my bed’s right there. And it’s empty! You could’ve slept there.”

Tony blushed, and Steve had to resist the strong urge to pull out some supplies and draw Tony at that moment. "I dunno, I didn’t think you’d be comfortable with that,” Tony admitted. “We haven’t been dating for that long, and yeah, it might’ve been uncomfortable for you.

Steve simply sighed. How did he ever end up with someone as amazing, as considerate as Tony?

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, not looking Tony in the eye. “About everything yesterday. And this. ‘S my fault, and I’m really sorry, Tony, you should’ve just left me alone…”

“Stop that,” said Tony firmly, gripping Steve’s hand tightly. “I wanted to stay here with you, and I did, and you had nothing to do with it. And I get the last word, so shut up and don’t say anything else.”

Steve rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help a smile spreading across his face. “How do you run a multi-million dollar company if you treat your employees like that?”

Tony pulled himself up and pressed a sweet kiss onto Steve’s lips before walking away in search of a bathroom. “I’m only this nice with you, sweetheart.”

  
  
  


Steve made breakfast while Tony showered and cleaned up; he owed the guy at least that much. Steve didn’t normally eat much (read: at all), but he managed to whip up some French toast, bacon and eggs, not knowing what Tony would prefer. It was hard work, and he silently sent a prayer of thanks to whoever invented Google.

It was worth the work though, when Tony walked in (incidentally, with wet hair that Steve really, _ really, _wanted to run his hands through) and looked happily started stuffing his face with food.

“I don’t normally get to eat breakfast,” he explained. “Or if I do, it’s just a muffin or something I grab from the nearest coffee place. I haven’t had real home-cooked food in forever,” and didn’t that just make Steve’s heart grow fonder.

Steve’s worry about his cooking was unnecessary, because everything seemed to go smoothly, except for the memorable moment where Tony looked at Steve and simply went, “Babe, where’s the coffee?” and it hit Steve that he’d forgotten about Tony’s lifeblood and the single most important part of breakfast, and he’d scrambled to make three whole cups while spewing out apologies, while Tony laughed his ass off behind him.

But besides that, they ate in companionable silence. Steve didn’t eat, only drank a cup of coffee and played with his phone while Tony ate. He got absorbed in some game he was playing, and didn’t hear Tony calling to him until he tapped him on the shoulder.

“So, um...we kind of need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is probably the shortest, most boring and filler-y thing I've written so far, and I apologize. Next chapter will be up extra soon to make up for it.
> 
> Comments and kudos are v appreciated :) No but seriously, that feeling when you get an email from AO3 telling you someone's commented on your work is like the best feeling ever. I love you guys <3


	8. Chapter 8

Steve winced. He’d known this was coming but it didn’t really make the experience any better. He decided the best course of action would be to play dumb.  _ That won’t be hard,  _ he thought stupidly to himself.

“You’re not breaking up with me are you? I was hoping we could last longer than a Kardashian marriage,” he said, trying to come off as joking. He could tell by Tony’s face that it didn’t work.

“Steve,” Tony started, looking more serious than Steve had ever seen him. There was no trace of the happy comfort they’d been enjoying only a few moments ago, and Steve suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of guilt.  _ That’s my fault. _

“Can we not talk about it?” Steve said, almost whining. He beat himself up internally.  _ Way to make yourself sound like more of a child. _

“Steve,” Tony started again, the worry in his voice so clear that Steve kept his mouth shut. “I’ve never seen anything like you looked last night. You looked so...distressed? I think that’s the word I’m looking for? But yeah, it was like looking at a puppy that almost got run over, or something, and fuck, Steve, I don’t ever want to see that look on you ever again.” Tony’s voice grew softer and softer as he spoke. “And you were shaking so hard, I couldn’t believe the others didn’t notice.”

“In their defense, I wasn’t exactly cuddled up to any of them,” Steve said half-heartedly.

“That’s not what I meant, Steve, and you know it.” Tony paused to take a deep breath, and continued, looking directly at Steve. “I can tell something’s wrong, and I can’t leave you to deal with it yourself. I know you don’t want me to ask, but please, Steve, just tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

“Tony, I promise you, nothing is wrong, okay? I was just exhausted yesterday and-”

“Don’t do that, Steve,” said Tony tiredly. “Don’t pretend there isn’t a problem when we both know there is. Look, if you’re uncomfortable talking to me, I’ll leave and get Bucky, and you two can-”

“No!” yelped Steve, almost spilling his cup of lukewarm coffee in the process. “Buck’s...busy. He doesn’t need to worry about me, Tony, don’t tell him anything, please.”

“Isn’t he your best friend?” Tony asked dryly.

“And you’re my boyfriend, what’s your point?” Steve snapped, and he regretted it immediately. “I mean...fuck, Tony.” He turned away from his boyfriend’s hurt look. “I just meant...there’s nothing wrong, so there’s no reason to annoy Buck. Or you.”

Tony let out a long-suffering sigh. “The stubborn act only works with kids, sweetheart.”

Steve’s heart melted at the endearment, but he had had enough. He picked up the coffee cups, and made a big show of washing them, so he could keep his back turned.

“Thanks for the concern, Tony, but I’m fine. ‘Don’t fucking need help, okay?”

There was a small pause. Steve kept facing away from Tony, scared of what he would see if he turned around.

“I noticed, you know,” Tony said suddenly, almost dreamily. Steve turned around, confused, but Tony continued on before he could ask any questions. “The day we met. I noticed you. You had enough time to move, you definitely had enough time to react before I got there. But you didn’t. I didn’t think much of it, I just thought you froze from shock or something-” Tony let out a self-deprecating chuckle, “-honestly, I didn’t think about it at all. And nothing really clicked until yesterday, when I realized you hadn’t told your best friends that you’d almost  _ died.”  _ Tony shook his head, looking suspiciously on the verge of tears. “I should have said something earlier, but Steve,  _ babe… _ ”

Tony’s voice broke on that last word, and Steve almost started crying on the spot. He’d done that. He’d made Tony Stark cry. He was a horrible boyfriend, no, he was a horrible person.

“Tony,” he started desperately, not knowing what to say. What _ could  _ he say? Any apologies he gave would be empty, any words of comfort useless.

“ _ Babe, _ ” said Tony insistently, his voice quivering despite his best efforts to hide it. Steve could tell, considering he’d done the same thing all his life, “Just tell me...was that on purpose?”

Steve was completely ready to go in guns blazing. The words “Tony, what the hell, of course not!” were fully formed on his tongue, but what he did say shocked both himself and Tony.

“Yes.”

Both men looked away, catching anything but each others’ eyes.

“Don’t need help, huh?” said Tony weakly.

“Not if it means putting you through all this shit,” said Steve. “Fuck, Tony, I’m so sorry, look, this is my problem to deal with okay? You don’t...you don’t have to beat yourself up over this-”

“Too late babe, that’s kind of my job now,” said Tony, giving Steve a small smile. When he didn’t get one in return, Tony sighed and walked towards his boyfriend, placing his hands on the counter and bracketing Steve between his arms.

“Steve, please,” he said softly,  _ pleadingly.  _ “Are you okay?”

And maybe it was Tony’s body heat enveloping Steve’s body like a warm blanket, maybe it was the soft, imploring way he said Steve’s name, maybe it was just the overwhelming amount of  _ love  _ Steve could literally feel radiating from Tony. It could have been anything, but it got to Steve. He almost broke down, hiding his face in the crook of Tony’s neck while Tony pulled him into a hug.

“I...fuck,” was his very eloquent answer, pulling away from Tony’s arms. It was warm, it was  _ safe,  _ but Steve didn’t deserve to be there. Steve deserved to die.

“Take your time sweetheart,” said Tony softly, pressing his forehead to Steve’s, leaving a lingering kiss on his cheek. Steve couldn’t understand why Tony was still touching him. He should get away, far away from this mess.

“I was doing it on purpose,” Steve mumbled, looking down and not meeting Tony’s eyes. “When we spoke that first time...I was honestly kind of angry at you, that you’d stopped me from killing myself.” He paused, waiting for Tony to leave, but the man only pressed further into Steve, not saying anything. Steve took it as a sign to continue.

“I don’t know why I did that. ‘Twas a spur-of-the-moment thing I guess, but I was having a horrible day, and I dunno, that seemed like a good way to not have to deal with anythin’ anymore.” He took a deep shuddering breath and continued. “Before you ask, no, I don’t have any real problems. I have a good job, and friends, and a roof over my head, I know I should be grateful, there’s people doin’ a lot worse than I am now.”

“Baby,” Tony started, but Steve cut him off.

“I know I shouldn’t be this way, Tony, but I can’t help it, I can’t stop being sad over the stupidest, randomest things; I can’t help thinkin’ about how I’m a worthless piece of shit, and how the others would probably have much better lives if they didn’t know me, and I know it doesn’t make sense to you Tony, but I’m stuck in my head so much and I don’ like it there, it’s...dark and lonely and fuckin’ scary and I hate it, I hate all of this, I want it to be  _ over! _ ”

Steve properly broke down, tears streaming from his eyes and his entire body trembling violently. Tony tried to pull the man into a hug, but he curled into himself, wrapping his arms around his body and subconsciously pushing Tony away.

“I told you not to be with me Tony,” he said vacantly, the words muffled through his tears. “You...you’re fucking perfect. You’re the most beautiful, amazing man I’ve ever met, you deserve so much better. You’re...you’re too perfect to waste your life on me.”

“Steve, baby-” tried Tony, only to get cut off again. Steve stared blankly ahead as he spoke, not acknowledging Tony’s presence in any way, and it scared him.

“I mean, imagine the kind of fun stuff you could’ve been doing if you hadn’t stopped me from dying that day. You wouldn’t be stuck here with me, you could be out doing whatever you wanna do.” Steve paused and took a deep breath, snuffling a bit. “You’d be better off if I was dead, Tony. I’m sorry I couldn't do that for you.”

That was enough to spur Tony to action. He placed his hand on Steve’s jaw, pulling until he looked him directly in the eyes. “Baby, please stop.” he pleaded, pressing his forehead to Steve’s. It physically hurt him, watching the man he loved (wait, what? No, not the time, Tony could revisit that thought later) falling deeper and deeper and deeper into himself.

“Babe, sweetheart, Steve, my love, listen to me okay?” he said, desperately, not knowing if Steve was listening or could even hear him. Steve’s blank stare wasn’t giving him any clues, but he pushed on anyway. “Sweetheart, you need to focus on me. Pull yourself out of wherever you’re stuck, and focus on me, okay, babe?”

He continued that way, whispering pet names and tiny encouragements into Steve’s ear for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a couple of minutes, until Steve’s eyes focused on Tony again. Tony was so relieved, he didn’t even mind when Steve buried his head in his neck and completely and utterly broke down. A crying, broken Steve was so much better than a blank, unresponsive Steve. Tony could live a million lifetime over, and he’d never be as scared as he’d been watching his boyfriend in the past few minutes.

“Baby?” he asked softly, not knowing if Steve would be okay with him talking. He didn’t receive a negative reaction, so he pushed ahead. “Sweetheart, why didn’t you get help earlier? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Steve took a few seconds, but he did manage to croak out an answer. “I don’t deserve help,” he said, so quietly, his voice trembling, that Tony almost wanted to cry himself.

“Steve, sweetheart, believe me, you deserve anything in this world that you want, and then more,” he said quietly, pressing his lips softly to Steve’s forehead. “And you don’t get to cut me off and say that you don’t, listen to me on this.” He felt Steve smile slightly, even if only for a couple of moments, and pushed on.

“Baby, listen to me. I’m sorry you had to go through this all on your own. I know there’s no point telling you that you could’ve gone to any of your friends for help, but believe me Steve, from the little I know of them, those guys love you and each other so much, they would’ve done anything for you. I would too. You’re not worthless, not to us babe. You’re actually one of the few good things I have in my life at the moment.”

He felt, more than heard, Steve mumble a muffled, “What?” into his neck, and he wrapped his arms tighter around the smaller man as he spoke. “Ever since I met you, I’ve been happier, more relaxed,” he admitted. “My assistant, Pepper, she’s always joking about wanting to meet and thank you, ‘cause I get through work in half the time, just so I can leave the office and spend more time with you.”

He felt Steve giggle and smiled to himself. He pulled away from Steve’s embrace, and pulled his face up so they looked each other directly in the eye. Steve’s eyes were rimmed red, and his face was covered with messy tears, but at that moment, Tony had never seen a more beautiful sight.

“I’m not just saying this to make you feel better, but Steve, baby, never feel like you’re worthless okay? I guarantee you, even if you think you’re worthless to yourself, I think you’re the sweetest-” he placed a soft kiss on Steve’s cheek, “-nicest-” he kissed him on his forehead, “-most beautiful-” on his other cheek, “-amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure to be with.” He pulled back and then pressed his lips to Steve’s. He stayed that way, unmoving for a couple of seconds, until Steve let out a soft sigh like a heart breaking, and moved his lips against Tony’s.

They stayed that way for several minutes, kissing soft and slow, like teenagers having their first kiss. Tony brought a hand up to wipe the tear tracks off of Steve’s face, the other intertwining with Steve’s trembling fingers, trying to control the constant shaking. Tony eventually pulled away from Steve’s lips, and instead placed a kiss on Steve’s knuckles, like an old-timey bachelor asking a lady to dance.

Steve immediately blushed, and Tony had to work very hard to not audibly coo at how adorable his boyfriend looked. He placed a gentle hand on Steve’s neck and leaned in for another kiss.

“Everything’s going to be okay, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, this took a lot out of me, I was awake til 4 writing this.
> 
> But on the bright side, we're done! Probably the worst way to end a story lol, but I'm working on an epilogue that I may or may not post soon. It's surprisingly hard to end stories, I've found.
> 
> Comments and kudos are v appreciated, and thank you guys for reading :)


	9. Epilogue

** _THREE MONTHS LATER_ **

Steve climbed into the passenger seat of Tony’s car, groaning and closing his eyes. Tony looked at him with sympathy as Steve leaned his head against the window dramatically.

“C’mon, Steve, it couldn’t’ve been that bad.”

Steve huffed, his eyes still closed and facing away from Tony.  “I hate you for making me do this,” he mumbled, and Tony took a hand off the steering wheel to gently rub Steve’s knuckles.

“Sweetheart, you and I both know you need this,” he said softly, sparing a glance at his exhausted boy. “And you were fine when I came with you.”

“That’s ‘cause you were there, Tony!” exclaimed Steve, finally turning to address his words to his boyfriend. “But today, I dunno, it was just so weirdly awkward, I doubt we even spoke for five minutes. It was mostly him asking questions, and me sitting there trying not to freak out and pee my pants.” He huffed again and turned to face forward. “I hate people. And I hate therapists even more.”

“Babe, therapists  _ are  _ people,” said Tony. “And everything you said right now seems like something you should have told him instead. Being unable to talk to people is normal, but the amount of anxiety you have...that’s not something I want you to go through.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “First depression, now anxiety...is there anything you think I  _ don’t  _ have?”

Tony just sighed and turned his attention back to the road. Steve was always like this after therapy, but Tony knew he had to stay firm.

  
  
  
  


Convincing Steve to go had been a job and a half for Tony. Steve had flatly refused the first time Tony brought it up, bringing up a list of objections, all of which Tony easily countered.

(“I don’t want to go.” “And I’m not going to make you, but you know it would be good for you.”

“It’s too expensive, Tony.” “Are you really talking to me, Tony Stark, about money?”

“I don’t have a problem, what do I need to see a therapist for?” (Tony just rolled his eyes at that one, and counted a point for himself))

It’d taken weeks of coaxing and convincing, but finally Tony’s threat of “I’m telling Bucky everything, and I’ll make it sound worse than it actually is,” had worked, and Steve had agreed to give it a try, on the condition that Tony would come with him the first few times. Knowing how Steve didn’t generally like talking to new people, Tony did accompany him. And honestly, Steve could complain all he wanted, but Tony could see, even in the few weeks he’d been going, how much better Steve seemed. And that was enough for Tony.

  
  
  
  


Tony parked out in front of Steve’s place, his car looking very out-of-place with the more modest vehicles around it. Tony, ever the gentleman, insisted on carrying their dinner (two large pizzas and garlic bread) up himself, while Steve went with his usual spiel of “C’mon Tony, I’m not that weak, I can carry ‘em, let me,” all the way to the door. They could have gone to Tony’s, where they didn’t have to climb up three flights of stairs, passing three other apartments; where they could have actual food cooked by his personal chef; where they could have any form of entertainment they wanted. But Tony didn’t want to.

Steve was always so nice about it of course, telling Tony he could stay every time Tony showed up with no warning or drove them back to Steve’s apartment without discussing where they’d go. Since he had the choice, he’d much rather stay in Steve’s apartment. It was cozy and comfortable, it felt lived-in, and best of all, it had Steve.Tony would sleep in a Dumpster if it meant he could stay with Steve.

Actually, no, he would never want Steve to sleep in a dumpster. He’d probably be sick or dead within five minutes.

But his point still stood.

It terrified Tony, how much he loved Steve. He’d never been this attached to anything or anyone that he could remember. He’d grown up without anyone to love or anyone loving him. As an adult, he was always too busy with work, and he’d never had good people skills anyway. So the strength of his feelings for his feelings for Steve was completely new and very scary.

Steve walked in, carrying two plastic cups filled with coke. The cups weren’t huge, but Steve’s bony hands were so tiny that he was struggling to carry them. He walked slowly, carefully to where Tony was seated and set the cups down, beaming at Tony proudly when he did it without spilling a drop. Tony loved him so much.

He didn’t even think about it; his body moved automatically towards Steve, pressing his lips fiercely to Steve’s, his arms wrapping around his waist and placing his hands on the flat of Steve’s back.

Steve stood frozen, confused, but let Tony manhandle him so he was pressed to the edge of the table. Tony kissed Steve passionately, almost harshly, trying to get all his emotions out. Steve went along with him, pliant in his arms. When Tony pulled away for air, afraid he would suffocate his boy, Steve just smiled at him, bemused.

“Not that I didn’t like that, Tony,” Steve said, out of breath, but somehow sounding like the sexiest thing ever to Tony’s ears. “But,um...what was that all about?”

Tony just looked up at Steve, into his clear baby-blue eyes that held so much trust, so much  _ affection,  _ all for him. He pressed a soft kiss to the tip of Steve’s nose. “I love you.”

Tony kept staring at Steve, watching his eyes wrinkle in shock and confusion. He pushed his head into the crook of Steve’s neck, relishing in the warmth there. “God, I love you so much, Steve, you have no idea. I love you, Steve Rogers.”

He felt Steve shift under him, knowing what was coming next. “Don’t ask me why, Steve,” he sighed, pulling his head out of his nest to look at those baby-blues again. “You’re one of the best things that ever happened to me, and even if you think you’re not worthy of being loved, I do, and I love you so much, Steve and I’m never gonna stop telling you that.”

He paused to take a breath, and opened his mouth to continue, but he was stopped by Steve pressing his mouth to Tony’s. “That’s the only way I could get you to shut up,” he mumbled against Tony’s lips, and Tony giggled softly. “I love you, too, ya idiot.” Tony smiled, so happy he thought his chest would explode. He pulled Steve in again, and the two stood making out like teenagers for...well, Tony didn’t care how long for. He wanted to spend the rest of his life this way, pressed up to Steve. Or at least he wanted to, until Steve gasped loudly and pulled away.

“Babe, are you okay?” he asked, freaking out. He turned around hurriedly looking for Steve’s inhaler until he heard Steve speak behind him.

“The pizza’s cold!” he said, pouting so adorably that Tony couldn’t resist kissing him one last time

“The pizza can be reheated, Steve,” he smiled, pushing Steve down onto the couch, starting to press soft kisses to his neck. Steve shoved him away, still pouting.

“But then it won’t taste as good!”

Tony sighed, conceding defeat. “Fine. Food first, kissing later.” Steve cheered, and Tony passed him a lukewarm pizza slice before settling down with one himself. He set a random episode of  _ The Big Bang Theory  _ on Steve’s laptop, and sat back so Steve could snuggle into his side.

Steve got completely absorbed into the show, while Tony couldn’t work up any excitement about it. He kept his eyes on Steve, running a hand through his hair. This was his boyfriend. Steve was  _ his.  _ Nobody had ever been luckier than Tony was right now.

Tony shifted, moving slightly so he could press Steve’s body further into his and move his head so he could completely take in all of Steve’s beauty. He watched his boyfriend eat methodically, engrossed in his laptop screen, and sighed to himself. Three months ago, Steve wouldn’t even have eaten half the slice. He would’ve said something stupid, like how he needed to look better, he shouldn’t each much. He’d have said food was wasted on him, since he was a complete waste of space himself. The fact that Tony could watch him put away two or three pizza slices...that was quite honestly a big deal.

Steve had been through so much, too much even. And he still was. There were still days when Steve wouldn’t answer any calls or texts, and Tony would rush over to find him curled up in bed, sobbing into his pillow. Steve never said anything, but Tony knew him well enough by now to know that these random bouts of sadness were taking a toll on his boy. All he could do was stay with Steve, reassuring him that yes, everything was okay, and yes someone did care about him; and on really bad days, softly convincing him that yes, there was a reason to stay alive.

Steve’s anxiety made it hard for him to talk to Tony about his problems, especially after his breakdown when he’d apologized constantly for “annoying” Tony, like anything Steve did would ever annoy him. It was hard work getting Steve’s confidence, and it sometimes made Tony feel inadequate himself, like Steve didn’t trust him enough. He didn’t beat himself up over it though, knowing Steve wasn’t doing it on purpose. It also explained how the people Steve called his best friends didn’t know anything about this. Steve had begged him not to tell Bucky or the others, again claiming he didn’t want to annoy them with his problems. All of Tony’s protests that  _ They’re your friends, they won’t be annoyed, they’d want to know about this stuff, Steve!  _ had no effect, and he’d agreed reluctantly, knowing that he couldn’t violate Steve’s privacy.

Tony tried to help, but he was no therapist. Steve had several years worth of self-hatred, depression and anxiety within him that wouldn’t go away just because Tony was around to show him affection anytime he wanted it. That was why Tony insisted on him seeing a therapist, and it turned out to be the right choice in the end. Steve still wasn’t okay in the clearest sense of the word, but he was getting there. And that was enough for Tony.

He pressed a soft kiss to Steve’s hair, pulling his attention away from the laptop. Steve sighed, enjoying the embrace and pushing himself deeper into Tony’s side.

“How are you so warm?” he mumbled, wiggling to find a comfortable spot, cursing his bony body.

“I think you mean, how am I so hot?” said Tony, smirking as Steve rolled his eyes. “I get it from my mom. You can thank her.”

“That joke was only funny the first time, Tony,” Steve said, getting up to grab another slice of pizza.

“Ouch,” said Tony, placing a hand over his heart. “That hurt me, babe. I’m always funny.”

“True that,” Steve said absently, already re-focusing on the laptop. “Your face is the funniest thing I’ve seen.”

Tony gasped in mock horror. He hit Steve over the head with a cushion, pinning him down to the couch so he could have a good vantage point to attack from. He hit Steve over and over while his boyfriend giggled under him, only stopping once his arms got tired. He threw the cushion to the floor and kissed Steve, forceful and passionate, and Steve didn’t resist. They kissed like teenagers, only pulling away once Tony’s arms started to hurt from holding himself up. He lay down next to Steve on the couch, overwhelmed with how much he loved his boyfriend at that moment. He turned around, ready to let Steve know, but Steve spoke first, dreamy and unfocused.

“You taste like pizza.”

**Author's Note:**

> And we're done! Not the best way to end a story, I'll admit, but I kinda ran out of steam.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and if you left a comment or kudos, thank you so much more! Your support and shit means everything to me, and I honestly love you guys.
> 
> Check out my other works, and if you have any requests or prompts, feel free to leave them down in the comments as well.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading, and I love you 3000!


End file.
